Heart beat

"Making the best out of the worst situation…"

by: Transpolitics

Which one are you?

I think many people would agree with me if I say “life is a very challenging enterprise.” And these challenges appear in various forms, kinds and degree of intensity. Some of them are light and surmountable. While others might be hard, difficult, complicated, too complex, intricate, insurmountable, torturous, and many other severe-sounding adjectives you can ever imagine.

Throughout my life, I have seen many people managed to come out clean from the pit of problematic life, then rebuilt their lives from the ashes of destruction, disappointment and sadness. I also have seen some people stuck in problems and failed to extricate themselves from that problem. They just submit to the fate and did not work hard enough to improve their lives and lead a successful life.

When I look at these realities, it makes me think: why some people managed to get out of the problem unscathed while others stuck in the rut like forever. They just blame God, fate, other people, environment they living in, but one thing for sure; not themselves.

I believe that life is about choice. God gives us right to choose. True, we cannot stop problem from coming to us. But, we can choose “the way” how we response to the problem. If we choose the “right way” I mean, the “positive way”, “positive thinking”, “optimism”, things will get better. However, if we choose the other way, I mean “negative way/thinking/pessimism”, then we will reap the negativities for sure.

In hadith Qudsi, Allah says: “I Am what My Servant think of Me.” Meaning, if we expect the worst thing will befall us, in no time we will get it. On the contrary, if we always think positively, behave positively, talk positively, things will get better even though we are in the worst case scenario. This is what I mean by “making the best our of the worst situation.”

Role of family institution

One might argue: “yes I know all these bullshit (sorry for the language!), we need to think, behave and talk positively. I just knew it.” But I can’t do it. I don’t have heart to do it. It is just not me. I mean it just doesn’t work with me.”

This type of person is delusional. They just have wrong conception of the self. Or if I may use more sophisticated term, they have wrong “autobiographical self” about themselves which lead them to believe that they just can’t do it. (See Gabriele Marranci, Understanding Muslim Identity: Rethinking Fundamentalism, 2009).

I think one of the factor that make a person has wrong “autobiographical self” is due to his or her upbringing. I’m talking about the role of family institution. I mean how the parent teaches the kid to response to challenges in his or her life. Again, we go back to the basic question: “does the parent teach the kid to response positively to face challenges in his or her life, or just tell them to submit to the fate.” Some parent was very tough with their kids when it comes to problems in life. Tough here means to teach them to face them up front, take the problem by the horn and deal with them appropriately.

However, some parents just being so kind to the kids, in the name of “being understanding”, “being supportive” and “don’t-being-too harsh-on-the-kid attitude.” These two styles of parenting fortunately and unfortunately produced different set of personality. Kids who were trained with discipline, toughness, and never-back down-attitude” will be more positive in their outlook and perception towards life. They developed a kind of innate skill to deal with any kind of problems, challenges, and worst-case-scenario situation. They are street smart and swim better in the ocean of life. They are independent, hardworking, discipline, good at handling people and good trouble-shooter. In essence, they have positive “autobiographical self” as a result of his or her fine performance in life.

Predictably, kids who were “enormously pampered” would have difficulty in dealing with life problems later in their lives. When problem befalls, they tend to be overreacting, nervous, lost self-confident, withdrawn, feel defeated, stressful, angry easily, sensitive, possessive and unsecured. As a result, they developed negative “autobiographical self” which is very difficult to be rectified in the short period of time.

Just a note though. I’m neither a psychologist nor do I have statistic to support this hypothesis, but I have seen a lot throughout my career and life that these two types of personalities are the product of two different style of parenting. But, I don’t go to the extreme like Amy Chu’s. She earned “Tiger Mom” status because of her ala Spartan style of parenting (see Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, 2011). I believe that right measure of love and discipline will produce well a balanced personality befitting postmodern environment and demanding world like today.

Anyhow, as Muslim we must resort to this thinking: we do our best to educate our child, in Allah we put our trust. He knows best!

Thank you.

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